ADHD parenting – Part 2

Parenting with ADHD: Doing It Differently

Following my first blog — What I Wish I’d Known as a Late-Diagnosed Mum — I’ve been reflecting more on the cycles we can find ourselves stuck in while parenting with ADHD.

 

The parenting pendulum

If your parents had a hands-off approach, you might notice your own parenting swings in the opposite direction — becoming overprotective and anxious. The pendulum often swings between extremes as each generation trying to “fix” the last… unless we become aware of what’s happening.

In my own family, we were raised by a mum who (with hindsight) almost certainly had ADHD. She mostly left us to our own devices. Our house was chaotic, messy, often dirty — and she had a temper that was sometimes pretty scary.

So I developed protective strategies. I coped by trying to control things — especially when my kids were young. It was my way of creating safety.

And here’s a thing: if you’re parenting with ADHD and struggling with your ADHD child, there’s a strong chance at least one of your parents had ADHD too. Back then, they likely had no idea what ADHD was — let alone how to support it.

I’ve long forgiven my parents. But those gaps still shaped who I became.

How ADHD Shows Up in Parents

1. Un-organised ADHD Parenting

Some ADHD parents are overwhelmed by their own symptoms. They struggle with daily life — managing the house, maintaining routines, regulating emotions. Relationships may be strained, and addiction may even be part of the picture.

Even if physically present, these parents may not have the emotional capacity to connect with their children. Home life is often unstable or chaotic.

How this affects children:
 Children in this environment often feel neglected or uncared for. They may lack the support they need to manage their own ADHD, develop coping strategies, or even feel safe. Some compensate by taking on too much responsibility too young. (One of my clients, raised in a creative but chaotic home, begged to be sent to boarding school — just to get the structure they knew they needed.)

2. Hyper-organised ADHD Parenting

These parents have developed systems to manage their own ADHD. Such parents want to protect their kids from failing or making the mistakes they made themselves. Fear often pushes them into control mode. They are often driven by anxiety and perfectionism and work hard to “get it right”. They ‘rescue’ their children constantly — taking forgotten lunches to school or managing their homework for them. 

How this affects children:
 Some kids may feel cared for, but others find these systems oppressive or suffocating — especially if they don’t work for them. Children in this environment often struggle once they leave home and lose the structure they’ve relied on.

So What’s the Alternative?

If both extremes are problematic, how do we break the cycle and try something new?

Knowledge is Power

Unlike our parents, we now know what’s going on. We understand how ADHD brains work. As we start offering compassion to ourselves, we become better equipped to support our children with clarity and calm.

Fear Makes Us Controlling

When I coach ADHD parents, we often explore the stories we tell ourselves about our children.

  • “If they don’t get good GCSEs, they’ll never hold down a job.”
  • “If I don’t stay on top of their homework, they will get in trouble.”

These stories are fear talking — and when fear is too loud, we stop hearing our children.

My ADHD Parenting Goal:

“As a parent with ADHD I’m aiming to provide unconditional love and gradually decreasing support to our ADHD children – so that they become more independent adults”

 

Now let’s revisit those two parenting approaches:  

1. For the Un-organised Parent

If you’re struggling to meet your child’s needs, please be gentle with yourself. This isn’t about blame — it’s about compassion. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Think of that airplane metaphor: If you haven’t put on your own oxygen mask you’ll struggle to breathe – and won’t be able to help anyone else.

Start small. Understand your own ADHD. Identify your unmet needs. Develop strategies that support you. As you begin to thrive, you’ll be able to support your child much more easily.

And if addiction is part of your story? Asking for help is brave, not shameful. Awareness is the first step toward healing — for you, and then you can support your child.

2. For the Hyper-organised Parent

If you’re doing everything for your child, it may be time to step back. That controlling part of you has been doing its best — trying to avoid disaster, but it might be time to loosen that grip.

To come back to that airplane metaphor, you’re putting the oxygen mask onto your child as soon as the plane takes off – you might not actually need it! 

Take a moment to listen. What is your child telling you that you haven’t been hearing – because fear has been talking too loudly?

What Changes When You Let Go?

Over the years I’ve worked with many ADHD parents of ADHD children (of all ages — including adults). It’s incredibly moving to witness what happens when fear begins to relax its grip.

Parents say:

  • “Our relationship feels so much better.”
  • “I didn’t realise how much they could do on their own.”
  • “I feel liberated — like I’m no longer carrying everything.”

As they stop doing everything for their children, the children step up. Not perfectly — but often in surprisingly capable ways. Let them try, maybe even struggle a little. Let them grow.

Three More ADHD Parenting Tips

1. Model – don’t preach

You are in a privileged position of understanding their ADHD challenges better than most. You have your own ADHD challenges so share them with your children. You have a great opportunity to model how you use self compassion and curiosity.  

2. Listen – more than you talk

Don’t rush in with your own solutions (your version of ADHD will be different to theirs). They already have what they need inside them — help them find it by listening and asking questions.

3. Keep your nerve

You’re playing the long game here – ADHD kids usually take longer to reach life milestones. That’s okay (how long was it until you became adult?) I keep reminding myself of this one!

4. Forgive yourself (and forgive your parents?)

You’re a human — with ADHD. You won’t always get it right. Repair what needs repairing ASAP and keep moving forward.

And as for your parents? People generally do the best they can with the resources they have – forgiving them might be the first step to taking pressure off yourself.

💡 Want Personalised ADHD Parenting Support?

I offer 1:1 ADHD coaching for parents and young adults navigating neurodivergence in daily life. Head to Free Your Space to find out more or book a free intro call.

💬 Coming Soon on the Blog:

  • Tackling resistance (AKA procrastination)

  • Thoughts on the ADHD programme on BBC (recently produced by Chris Packham)

And if there’s something you’d like to hear about, drop me a message — I love writing about what matters to you.